French Kiss

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, straights ,gays, transvestites, midgets, dwarfs and other challenged minorities – this message is for you!(and best of all,it’s free.)

Today, here and now, I the bicycle gourmet, self-proclaimed expert on all lifestyle matters French am going to guide you, step by step ,inch by inch, through the potential social minefield of The French Kiss.

I refer, bien sur, to the “hello/goodbye” French kiss. Not the “Hey babe, let’s get down to some lovin” variety.”(As Homer Simpson suggests in my favorite poster.)

 

The French cheek kiss, in an escargot shell,is their version of the handshake. But, being the worldy sophisticate you are, doubtless you’ve wondered about the finer points, the”nitty gritty”if you will of same sex adults smooching.

Stress not,dear reader. As always Beege is here with the inside scoop!

Children:

are taught that “the kiss” is the way you greet the world.Your parents. Their friends. Your friends. Anyone you’re introduced to by an adult.

Teenagers:

Same basic deal. With handshakes coming into the mix. For example, two teenage boys who are long time pals, will do the kissy-poo. But when they meet another guy outside of their immediate circle, the handshake rules.

Adults:

Okey-dokey. This is where the rubber hits the road, and there’s fat all over the frying pan.

 

                                                                                                

                                                                        

They kiss :

If they’re related.(ie – Father to Son, Brother to Brother, etc.)

If they’re not blood relations, but close to the family.(ie kids, teenagers included and an Adult family friend.)

If they’re women.(Hey, it’s genetic!)Women are generally more inclined to offer a smooch rather than a handshake. Particularly to other Women.

If they work together in the same space. The latest arrival goes cubicle to cubicle, lips at the ready.

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They may not kiss when :

Meeting socially for the first time. Definitely not Men. Handshake time here. Women could go either way. Depending on the individual and the situation.

                                

However ,if the scenario is being introduced at a dinner party,most often women will be kissy, while men, being the cool alpha males that we are, will press the flesh.

The flip side o’ this here equation – each person leaving,is socially required to say goodbye.(via his/her method of choice)Depending on the number of guests, you could be waaay late for the baby sitter!

                                                                                      

They will definitely kiss when:

Meeting professionally for the first time. After that ,depending,as always on the individual sensibilities involved and the situation,it may morph into “the full monty.” (But, in the case of politicans, not while the cameras are rolling.)

Are ya with me so far? Good. Because now, as the TV quizmasters would say, we’re ready for the “brain twister!” The subtle nuances of “kissossity.” The frequency. The technique. The body language. (And you thought this was gonna be a cakewalk…..HA!)

Kissosity Confidental :

Frequency:

Depending on the region, it’s “de rigueur” to place your felications two, three or four times.(ie – Cheek left/cheek right. Cheek left/cheek right/cheek left. Cheek right/cheek left/cheek right/cheek left) CLEAR ENOUGH?

Technique:

Again, depending on the region, we’re talkin’ jus’ brushin’ the cheek with an air kiss, or the real deal.

Body Language:

If you’re not already down with this,You’re destined to remain“socially challenged” (not to mention sleeping only with your teddy bear) until the pathologist does his thing.

There you have it, dear reader.The BG’s guide to gliding gracefully through the French social scene.

Anything else I can help with?

THROW ME A BONE HERE PEOPLE!

What are ya thinkin?